3 Unrealistic Expectations Not to Place on Your Man

Every girl has her fairy tale idea of the perfect man for her. From age zero, we are constantly hounded by what the perfect man should look like, whether by Disney, our church, parents, or our own thoughts. Slowly over time, we have a laundry list of everything our man needs to be. But what we often forget is the fact that Christ has made each of us different, blessing us with different gifts, abilities, and likes/dislikes. I want to take some time to spell out 3 unrealistic expectations not to place on your man; unrealistic expectations that we place on them based on our own thinking that could eventually cause some serious problems. We’ll look at expectations based on spiritual gifts, sin nature, and likes/dislikes. But we’ll also talk about good expectations to have.

Unrealistic Expectation #1: Expecting Him to Have The “Manly” Spiritual Gifts

One expectation we place on our man, whether we’re dating or married, is that they are to have a specific spiritual gift if they are truly a godly man. We tend to associate the gifts of leadership and teaching to men, thinking that our perfect man should be a natural born leader and teacher. When I was dating my husband, I did this very thing. I saw his lack of wanting to be an outspoken leader as a red flag, that maybe his quietness signified he had no “manly” spiritual gifts (friends…I was so wrong!!).

But what we need to recognize is that Christ gives each one of us a different spiritual gift. In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul describes how the different spiritual gifts that we are given help us work together as one body of Christ, that we can’t do without any of the gifts. What I wasn’t realizing with my husband is that his spiritual gifts didn’t fall under leadership and teaching, but rather knowledge and serving/helping others. And what I also failed to realize is that even though his spiritual gifts aren’t leadership or teaching, that didn’t mean he wasn’t good at leading or teaching. As a husband, he has been a great leader of our family, teaching me the knowledge he’s learned from the Bible as well as leading me to grow in my faith.

each of us are gifted different spiritual gifts

Are you expecting your man to have a certain spiritual gift that he isn’t built to have? Do you think he needs to have the “manly” spiritual gifts in order to be a godly man? Even if you don’t know the answer to these questions, I encourage both you and your man to take a spiritual gifts test together (definitions of spiritual gifts). After seeing my husband’s results, I have a much better idea on how this man functions spiritually. Seeing your man’s results will help you to understand the same thing and will allow you to remove wrong expectations you have on your significant other.

Unrealistic Expectation #2: Expecting Your Man to Be Perfect and Without Sin

At first, this sounds like a no brainer. Of course nobody is going to be perfect, so why expect them to be? But be honest with yourself, have there been times during your dating season (whether in the past or present) that you’ve seen a sin your man struggles with as a red flag? I’m not talking about things that would actually qualify as a red flag/deal breaker, such as cheating on you or showing a lack of care for you. I’m talking about sin that people legitimately struggle with: impatience, pride, gossip, envying, worldly temptations, anger, lust, greed, etc.

For example, when my husband and I were dating, he would tell me stories of him losing his patience, causing him to take his frustration out on those he was impatient with. There were times that I would listen to these stories and question whether I should break it off with him. How could I get married to someone who struggled with being patient???

Have you been in a similar situation? Listening to your man’s struggle with sin and wondering whether to leave him in the dust or not? I want you to ask yourself a question, “have I struggled with the same thing at one time?” If you know you haven’t, ask yourself this question, “what have I struggled with or what am I currently struggling with that he may view as a red flag?”

we all struggle with sin, we all need encouragement

I hate to say it, but we are all sinful people. We all struggle with a multitude of sins. As I look back on the times where I questioned our relationship because of his struggle with patience, I wish that I could go back and clearly think because I have always struggled with patience. And I too have lashed out at the people or things I’m impatient with. But in the moment, I was expecting him to be perfect, not struggling with anything. And that is just an unrealistic expectation.

Ask yourself one more question, does your man know that he struggles with a particular sin? Does he truly wrestle with himself, between his flesh and the Spirit? Or does he simply see it as not a big deal, or maybe that it’s not a sin? My prayer is that he recognizes it, so that when the temptation comes, he’s ready to fight. But if not, don’t see it as an opportunity to quit just yet, see it as a way to encourage him to recognize it as a sin and repent before the Lord. Ask God for discernment as to how to handle your specific situation.

Unrealistic Expectation #3: Expecting His Likes/Dislikes to Fit the Image in Your Head

Another unrealistic expectation that we as women place on our man is the expectation that he will enjoy the things that we want him to. I’m referring to likes/dislikes that are not wrong or sinful, just the things he finds joy in that you may not. Because we grow up thinking that our perfect man will have a specific list of qualities and personality traits and skills, it’s difficult to set some of those unrealistic or unnecessary lists aside to welcome the good man that he truly is.

Growing up, my siblings and I were only allowed to play certain video games for certain amounts of time. Ones like Super Mario, racing games, or video card games like Solitaire. We were raised to think that the shooting games were not good for our brains and therefore were bad. But when I started dating my husband, I quickly found out that he enjoyed playing a limited time of typical video games. He’s not your avid gamer, but he enjoys playing games in his downtime. I will say, he is wise in how long he plays. He doesn’t pull all nighters to finish a level. And when he starts to get frustrated, he quits before it turns into anger.

there will be things you don’t have in common, and that’s okay!

At first, I didn’t know what to think about this. Here I was taught to think that shooting games are bad, but then here was my boyfriend who thought they were okay in the right mindset and for limited times. I began to think that he needed to stop playing these games in order to fit the image I had in my head of the “perfect man.”

But I was so wrong! What took me awhile to realize is that he was being wise in his games, and that this was something he truly enjoyed doing. We talked about how he viewed it spiritually. He said that he didn’t feel convicted that they were wrong, but he knew he couldn’t spend hours upon hours at a time because that’s simply a waste of time.

So I encourage you to spend some time with your man, being open about his likes/dislikes that you weren’t expecting. Spend some time thinking about whether they’re deal breakers or if it’s an unrealistic expectation you are placing on him.

Realistic Expectations

As we go through relationships, we need to be asking ourselves whether the expectations we have are unrealistic or realistic. Though I just gave you 3 unrealistic expectations not to place on your man, I want to give you some quick realistic expectations that you should most definitely have.

Realistic Expectation #1: He needs to be a godly man of Christ

Is that man you’re dating a Christian? Is the man you’re married to a follower of Christ? My hope is that you answer “yes” to these questions. However, if you’re not dating a Christian, you may want to think about placing that relationship on hold. God tells us to date/marry another Christian, “for what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:15). If you’re not married to a Christian, then deeply encourage him to follow Christ. Be a living example of Him.

As a Christian woman, you should be seeking out a man who wants to seek out Christ. Plain and simple. As his wife or girlfriend, encourage him in his faith. Hold him accountable. Build him up as Christ builds you up.

Realistic Expectation #2: He needs to treat you as he would his own body…well!

Is he a man who loves you as he loves his own body, nourishing you and cherishing you? Does he love you as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:22-33)? It’s good to expect your man to treat you well. Don’t settle for anything less!

Realistic Expectation #3: He needs to be willing to lead your family, regardless of spiritual gifts

We talked about spiritual gifts earlier. Though he may not have the spiritual gift of leadership and teaching, is he a man that will lead you as his wife? Is he a man willing to be the head of the household as Christ designs? My husband may not have the spiritual gift of leading, but as a man, he has the responsibility to lead our family in a way that pleases the Lord. And he does it amazingly.

Realistic Expectation #4: He needs to be someone you enjoy spending time with

Though there will definitely be differences between the two of you, do you enjoy spending time with him? Is he the first you would choose to do an activity together, whether that’s going on an adventure or simply sitting and talking? You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don’t enjoy spending time with, good quality time.

Are you married, struggling to find joy with your husband? Was there once a time when you did? Count it all joy, friends, even if you’re going through a rough patch. Learn to enjoy him as you once did.

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As women, we often have a hard time fitting our man into the mold we’ve shaped for them. Between outside influences and our own fantasies, we want our man to be the perfect man we’ve idealized for ourselves. But we need to learn to get rid of that mold and instead use the one Jesus has made for us in His Bible. Realize that we all struggle with sin, and we can’t always hold that against each other. Understand that though we are created equal, God gives us different gifts and different roles to be used for His glory. Accept your man as God has created him. Help him in his struggles. Encourage him in his faith as he should do for you:)