The PCS (permanent change of station) busy season is finally coming to a close! Many families have moved across the country and the world following their military family member this summer. Many of you may just be getting started with a big move. But after all the chaos of moving, finding a house, unpacking, and organizing, what are our next steps?
At one time it felt like the to-do list would never end. Then all of a sudden we came to a screeching halt with nothing left to do. So what now? What do we do after PCSing? What do we do when we start to feel lonely and purposeless? As I’m feeling these same feelings you may be experiencing, we are going to do what we do best as women: write a list of what we can do. (Then we’ll pray about it and act on it).
(Here’s a free printable to-do list to help you along the way!)
First: Write down what you’re feelings and needs are, on both the good and the ‘meh’ days: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
We need to recognize what exactly we’re feeling and what we are seeking now that the chaos of moving is over. One day, I feel like I’ve got things to do to keep busy and I feel like I have purpose, and then the next day, I feel lonely, purposeless, bored, unmotivated, and tired. And though I do have things that need to be done around the house, that list only lasts for so long. I realize pretty soon that my only constant contact with the outside world is my husband. Praise the Lord for my husband! But as much as I love that man, I need other people in my life. We ALL do, no matter how introverted we may be. As women, we NEED other women to talk to, relate to, share emotions and feelings that men just won’t understand (even the man who understands you the most).
Second: Write down what gives you purpose, both currently and what you think would give you purpose.
This step will be used a little later on in more depth, but for right now, it’s good for you to see and have a clear picture of what gives you purpose and what you think would give you purpose (especially if you’re feeling purposeless). With whatever you’re feeling or whatever needs are unmet, many of your solutions can stem from what gives you purpose.
Third: For your first feeling or unmet need that you’ve written down, write down possible solutions for how you can meet that need or fix that feeling.
Let me give you some examples.
Many of us start to feel lonely after awhile. For my husband and I, it usually takes around two months to find a good church that is spiritually and theologically strong and that is welcoming. Those two months and even that third or fourth month are so hard! We’re constantly meeting new people, yet there’s no going past the surface level of conversation. Then once we finally find a church, especially if we’re looking during the summer, many bible studies are “on break” until September. So for 2-4 months, there’s a lack of building relationships.
But I don’t want that to discourage any of you. Though finding a church is a difficult task, it’s still a solution to your loneliness. Because what you’re doing, along with your husband (and kids if you have them), is actively going out and finding a place that you want to get involved in and will at some point in time.
Hopefully during the moving portion of your PCS, you and your family have been already searching for a church. The sooner the better!
So solution #1: Find a church.
From that we can stem another solution to actually meet people and start building relationships outside of your home.
Solution #2: Join the church’s bible study or join a bible study not affiliated with a specific church location.
My best offer for you is to look up Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). It’s a bible study group that has many locations around the world and everyone in every location is learning the same exact thing that your group is learning. This is great for military wives, especially if you’re moving a lot.
Solution #3: Get to know your neighbors.
I know that can be super hard, and it does take time (unless you have the personality that is so extroverted). But it starts with a wave or a simple “hello!” Learn what their names are. At the very least, you’re getting some human interaction with other people than your husband (even though he’s great).
Fourth: Write down solutions to other feelings/needs.
Another example of a feeling you may have is purposelessness. This may not be as much of a problem for mothers, because they have a huge purpose – taking care of their kids. But for those of us that don’t have kids, we may feel purposeless at one point or another. I know for me, I want to do something that is important, not only to me, but to the people around me. I do find purpose in serving and helping my husband, whether it’s cleaning or cooking or doing the things that I don’t want him to feel obligated to do after coming home from a long and stressful day of work. But when he’s gone during the day and my list of short to-do’s are done, I feel purposeless, like there’s more that I could be doing in life, like there’s more I need to be doing in life.
So what do I (and you) do to fix that?
Remember that little list of what gives you purpose or what you think would give you purpose? Good! When you’re feeling purposeless, look at that list and from that, find solutions that will help give you purpose rather than take it away from you.
Did you know that God designed us to work? Look at Genesis 2:15. God gives us work, and He gives us purpose.
So possible solution #1: Find some work.
Even if it’s some part time job. I struggled with getting some random part time job for awhile. How would that give me purpose if it’s just a simple, mindless job? After talking about it with my husband, he said that it depends on what my perspective is. I can either choose to look at it as a stupid job or I can look at it as a way to help others, to serve others, to serve Christ, and to prepare for the future. My husband also pointed out that if God provides a job, He is going to give a purpose in that job. God doesn’t do something for nothing. It may be through a bunch of little tiny things, but there’s purpose.
I just started a small part-time job, and though it seems mundane and purposeless, I’ve had to find purpose. I am making money to be able to expand my blog in the future, save for future children, invest in other things that would give me purpose, and use for the glory of God’s kingdom. Furthermore, I can be a light to my co-workers (and there are other people to interact with even though they may not be Christians).
I’m still struggling with having a part-time job, but it gives me some purpose, some goal to achieve a few times a week. At the very least, it’s a small step closer to doing what I really would like to do in the future (which is working from home, allowing for me to revolve my life schedule and the things I find purpose in spiritually to revolve around my work schedule, not the other way around).
Your solutions are going to differ depending on what gives you purpose. Which is good! It’s what allows for such diversity in this world, and allows for many different doors to walk through that God provides each and every one of us.
Fifth: Pray about and act on those solutions.
Remember that some things will take time, such as finding a church and getting involved in a bible study. But each little step that we take will help heal that loneliness and purposelessness, or whatever other feelings you may have.
A word of caution though. As military families and wives, we know that we may not stay long in one area, which can sometimes force us to think, “what’s the point of all this effort if I’m just going to move again?” Don’t go down that road of thinking. And if you do, fight back with truth!
-God designed us to be with others, He didn’t design us to be lonely (read Genesis chapter 2 – man was not fit to be alone, it was not good for him to be alone, so God created woman).
-God designed us to be active and to work. He didn’t design us to sit in front of the tv each and every day.
-God commands us to spread His word, to be a light for Him. He has graciously chosen us to be His tools to tell others about who He is. (Hint: we can’t do that if we’re at home in our little shells, never speaking to anyone else).
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Post PCSing can be just as difficult as the actual PCS itself. Because now we are realizing that we need other people and that we need something to do to fill our time. I have provided a free printable for you to use to follow these steps given to create your own list of feelings, unmet needs, and solutions to each need – specifically loneliness and purposelessness.
I encourage you to pray about what your solutions should be, because again, it’s going to look different for each one of us. Ask the Lord whether you should get a job or whether you should start something on your own. Ask the Lord to open doors of opportunity that will give you purpose and joy at the same time. Pray knowing that our Lord will provide those opportunities because He does have a purpose for you.
It is my prayer for you that as you transition into settling down in your new home and town/city/state/country, that you will be proactive in your life rather than being reclusive and fearful of more ‘new.’ It is my prayer that you will not feel lonely or purposeless, but that you will meet wonderful new people wherever you’ve moved and that you will find things to give you purpose, to give you joy for each new day.
You’ll be surprised what God will provide for you:)
