Having a relationship with someone in the military means you’re going to be separated by long distance at some point. I’m not intending this post to start off so depressing, but rather to get straight to the reality of military relationships. Whether your boyfriend gets stationed elsewhere or gets deployed, you’re likely to experience long distance in your dating relationship. But how are you to get to know him on a deeper level? How are you supposed to find out if this is the man God has for you to marry if he’s halfway across the country…or the world? From my own personal experience (and asking myself these questions a million times while dating long distance), I want to share with you some things I learned as well as encourage you as you’re enduring long distance. Because girl, it’s not easy.
But it is worth it.
Are you dating seriously?
Being in a long distance relationship requires that both you and your boyfriend are serious about dating, that you both are intending to find “the one” to marry, whether it’s him or not. Long distance relationships aren’t for those who casually date (which, in my personal opinion, is pointless, especially as a Christian). So my first question for you, before we jump into the ‘how’, is are you serious about your relationship with your boyfriend? Are you in this relationship to potentially have it become a marriage (doesn’t have to be anytime soon, so don’t panic)? Not this biggest Taylor Swift fan, but “it’s either going to last forever or go down in flames.” There’s no in-between and no casual dating when it’s long distance AND with a guy in the military.
How to get to know your military boyfriend in a long distance relationship
So how do you get to know your military boyfriend from far away? It’s not like you can be there to learn how he handles different situations, how he talks to his friends, or what he does in his personal time. But there are a few ways to still learn more about his character, his likes and dislikes, and what makes him him.
Talk, talk, talk
If there’s going to be an upside to long distance, it’s the fact that all you and he can do is talk. Long distance removes the physical romanticism of a relationship and replaces it with the deepening of learning who that person truly is through words. Though it’s important to be attracted to him, long distance gets rid of physical temptation that can sometimes distract from seeing and learning about who your boyfriend truly is. Only being able to talk really reveals a lot about who he is.
Ask questions…lots of questions
Because you can only talk with him, questions are going to be a great source for learning who he is. And friend, there are so many questions to ask. Ask about his:
-testimony with Christ
-his favorite [fill in the blank]
-his life as a child
-day to day activities
-friends
-family
-goals in life
-desires/wants
There will be some days when the phone call or letter is lacking in conversation (which is okay!) and other times when you could stay up all night talking to him. But one thing I found useful was to write a list of things I wanted to know more about him. And that list came in handy when there were inevitable lulls in the conversations. So it may be beneficial to you to write down what you want to know more about him.
Listen!
As women, we talk…a lot. But as your boyfriend is talking, intentionally listen to what he’s saying, regardless of the topic. As he’s telling you what happened during his day or stories from his past, you can learn a lot about his character in how he acts in the situations he’s endured. As he’s answering your questions about whatever, intentionally remember what he’s saying.
Side note: our words will reveal our sinful hearts…
Matthew 15:18 says, “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.” Sometimes we say what we don’t truly mean, sometimes we mask our heart and keep from saying things that reveal it. But over time, our words reveal our hearts. And our hearts are sinful. You’re going to say things that reveal the sin in your heart and so will your boyfriend. I point this out because at my own fault, I held the struggles my husband vocalized to me against him, thinking how could I marry this man who sins like this? I had lost the balance of being cautious of whether he is truly a good man or not and understanding that we ALL struggle with sin and need an accountability partner.
Over your conversations, as you two talk more and more, he will reveal what he struggles with. It may not be a direct statement of “I struggle with…”, but it might be through the impatience you hear in his voice or the recollection of the frustrating situation he had and how he handled it. As you spend time listening to him, it is important to weigh whether he is a good and godly man who struggles with sin or if he’s just not a good man (the difference is in how he handles his sin). But be cautious to not add up all his struggles and mistakes together, holding them against him… because friend, we wouldn’t want others to do that to us.
Don’t be afraid to go deep
Ask the tough questions, be vulnerable with him, share your struggles and prayer requests, and be available for him to talk. Lord knows he needs someone not in the military to talk to, to vent to, and to laugh with.
Have some fun and laugh lots
This post has been full of serious how-to’s, but it’s just as important to laugh with him and joke with him. He needs it. You need it. And it’s just fun to have fun with the man you deeply like (or even love). Don’t treat your long distance relationship as an ongoing investigation and interrogation. Get to know him intentionally, but have fun with him too. Joy is a beautiful gift from God that can be shared, even over long distances.
Use FaceTime
Video calling is a great tool to use when connecting with your military boyfriend. Seeing his face helps to make it feel like he’s not so far. Plus, we all speak a lot through body language. Being able to see him on the screen will help you learn what his body language is saying when he’s feeling different emotions.
When my husband and I would Skype, I learned a lot about him through his body language. I learned what he would do when he was impatient, frustrated, sad, joyful, or ‘meh’. I learned that he loves to make faces when he’s being goofy. I learned his smile. I learned his eyes, knowing what they looked like when he’s exhausted and wanting to go to sleep. I learned how he eats. I learned so many different things just by watching him (not creepy, I promise) than if we only talked on the phone.
Understand you won’t get to know him 100%
You can spend a lifetime with this one man and never know everything there is know about him. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and I’m still learning things about him.
But before we got married, there were important things to me that I wanted to know about him. Don’t try to get to know everything about him before you potentially get married. Otherwise, that will take all the fun out loving him more and more everyday.
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It is most definitely possible to get to know your military boyfriend in a long distance relationship, it just takes intentionality. Pray that God would help you get to know him and that you would trust God with this relationship. He will lead you and give you discernment, all you have to do is ask (James 1:5). Enjoy talking with your boyfriend, take some time to listen to him, ask him loads of questions, and make sure to laugh with him. Use the tools and resources God has given you. You will get to know him in no time.
